Students Stopping Rape

Weekly Column Lets Others Know It Affects Them As Well

[ View original Daily Nexus article ]

I truly appreciate the “It Affects Me” column on Wednesdays. I think that rape does affect everyone, even if some folks don’t realize it. Unfortunately, our culture does not help most women feel comfortable and safe talking about their experiences with sexual assault. Many of us know the statistics (i.e., one in four women in college have been the victims of rape or attempted rape) but how many women have confided in you about their personal experience?

Being silent about sexual assault is a huge part of what prevents us from stopping this form of violence in our society, and this silence severely impedes the healing process for many of the victims of sexual assault.

Please join your fellow survivors by contributing your poems, stories, narratives, artwork and other truths for an empowering alternative publication.

If you don’t care about the format, e-mail is best: . Or mail/drop them off to Laurel Frame, 6719 Sabado Tarde Rd., Isla Vista, CA 93117. Entries may be anonymous.

LAUREL FRAME

It Affects Me: Part 7: Eva Takes Back a Piece of Her Life

By Imani Rupert & Muriel Philips
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Because of what happened to Eva, I became more involved in sexual assault issues, increasing my awareness and my knowledge. This growth allowed me to discover strength about myself that I never knew existed; it gave me control and made me secure. Eva, on the other hand, was robbed of her control and her strength.

It was my strength and growth that inspired Eva to take action and to consider her options. She decided to call her mom. After their telephone conversation, Eva’s mom drove up to Santa Barbara to spend the weekend supporting her daughter. Let me just tell you that a parent’s love is amazing. Her mom’s concern and support encouraged Eva to be strong - and she needed that.

That weekend, Eva’s indifference on whether or not to report the assault became obvious. She decided to report it. Her mom offered to call the Santa Barbara sheriff’s station, but Eva refused. She said that she wanted to do it herself.

Eva later told me that when she picked up the receiver to call the sheriff’s station, it was the most empowered she had felt in her entire life. That guy had taken something away from her, and she felt by reporting the crime she could take it back.

Eva was aware of how difficult it was to press charges. She had heard horror stories of the girls who experience a sexual assault and aren’t able to convince the judge that it was in fact sexual assault. In many instances this leaves the girl feeling helpless. I knew that an outcome like this would hurt Eva - she knew it too. I remember that she told me that if she did go through with this it would be hard and unfair. But she kept saying, “Maybe next time the responsibility will be put on the rapist.”

So that’s the deal with Eva; she wanted to do this not only for her own peace of mind, but also for other women who’ve survived a sexual assault. She says now that the hardest time for her were those few weeks after the sexual assault happened. She told me later that it was because she didn’t feel like anyone could understand what she was going through. She thanks me all the time for my support during this troubled time, and she wants to be able to provide that same support to someone else.

The trial was the most terrifying, horrific thing that Eva experienced since the assault. There were so many times when she couldn’t sleep and her eating habits would vary considerably. I remember it seemed like there would be entire months that Eva would cry through.

I’m not trying to make this seem overly dramatic. I just remember seeing her face when this was all over - and she said it was all worth it. Obviously she wishes that it never happened. But it did. That guy violated her and took a part of her. And she took it back.

Imani Rupert and Muriel Philips are media interns for the Rape Prevention Education Program.

Your Silence Around Sexist Pigs Encourages a Rape Culture

By Dustin Fujikawa
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It’s ridiculous. With all the magazines, movies and Internet sites dedicated to better sex, only a small group of the men on campus are dedicated to actively improving relationships between the genders. What do I mean by improving relationships, you ask? I’m talking about ending sexual assault, a horrific ordeal that annihilates the trust, connections and faith between the genders. I realize that most men don’t address the issue of sexual assault because it hits us in a very personal place; rape is an issue for which we are responsible. Allowing this silence to prevail only assists facts that perpetuate rape culture, and destroys the safety, trust and relationships in our community.

In high school, one of my best friends was passionate about ending sexual assault. Aside from constant verbalized disgust for rapists, his means of social reform always seemed to include kicking rapists in the groin. I, although agreeing that rape was a horrific evil, always shrugged off his “militant” plans. I never admitted it to him, but I didn’t take any action against sexual assault because I felt helpless. I mean, what could I do tangibly to stop rape? I treat girls with respect and am not one of the one in 10 men, nationwide, who rape. What else am I expected to do? Seek out every potential rapist and “disarm” him? Because of the impossibility to distinguish rapists from our family and friends, that task seemed particularly fruitless. In reflection, I can’t help but recall the words of Edward Burke, “All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.” Nothing. Precisely my actions: absolutely nothing. And in doing nothing, I passively supported our sexist culture, which doesn’t openly endorse rape but permits men who rape to think what they are doing isn’t wrong. In doing nothing, I was letting the world know that the fact that one in four women, according to nationwide surveys, are sexually assaulted didn’t bother me enough to do anything. The consumer culture had won; sex was a commodity - bought, sold and stolen - and I remained silent. I had the privilege, as a male, to forget about it. It didn’t directly affect me. But, as it became abundantly clear to me later, it affects all of us, and being a “nice guy” and a non-rapist isn’t enough.

A few years later, after moving up to UCSB, I saw a sign for Men Against Rape. After attending meetings on Thursday nights in the Women’s Center, I realized that the actions to stop sexual assault were much simpler and more self-reflective than I previously thought. I understand now that our culture will change only when we as individuals make a commitment to amend our own actions. The following steps are an excellent start for this change.

First, be sure you have a sound understanding of sexual assault. 99 percent of all rapes on our campus are committed by someone the survivor knows. Most of these guys don’t think they are raping. Any sex without consent is rape. Silence doesn’t mean yes. If someone cannot consent because he or she is too intoxicated, frightened, threatened or otherwise inhibited, the answer is no. The fact that two people have had sex before or have started to engage in sexual activities does not mean anyone is obliged to continue.

Second, break the silence. Even if it means doing something as simple as not laughing at some knucklehead’s misogynistic or homophobic joke. Any step towards confronting the sexist subtleties engrained in our culture is a step towards ending the apathy towards rape in our culture.

Third, don’t ever blame the survivor of rape for the assault. No one ever can do anything to deserve such abuse and blame.

Fourth, make a commitment to end homophobia. The hyper-masculine image we try to replicate in ourselves, not only creates contempt for the Queer community but also reinforces a culture that allows rape to continue relatively unchallenged. When men have to prove manliness, it not only degrades women, but also leads guys to feel like they need sex for purposes beyond the simple interaction between two (or more) individuals. These guys need sex to brag to their buddies and flaunt their straight, macho sexuality. This distortion of sex into a commodity, paraded like a new car, destroys the experience, makes women into objects and is a major cause of rape.

If you have any questions, concerns or interest in regards to these issues, please join us for live music, speakers, games, spoken-word and a penis registry at the second annual Men Against Rape rally in Storke Plaza Friday, May 17, 11 a.m. to 3 p.m. Feel free to contact Men Against Rape at menagainstrape@hotmail com or 893-3778. Please support us by wearing your “It Affects Me” T-shirt, if you have one, this week.

Dustin Fujikawa is a member of Men Against Rape.

It Affects Me: Part 6: Friends Survive Together

By Imani Rupert & Muriel Philips
[ View original Daily Nexus article ]

As my knowledge and awareness of sexual assault has grown, so has my friendship with Eva. Except it hasn’t been as positive; in fact there is more distance between the two of us with an obligatory feeling that keeps us in contact with one another - until recently.

Eva called me about a week ago. When I realized who it was, I didn’t really even want to talk to her. I felt I had put so much effort into helping her, but her ignorance and denial were really starting to get on my nerves.

Reluctantly I answered my phone. It started off with small talk. Then out of nowhere she told me how sad she was that this incident had enough of an effect to almost ruin our friendship. She asked how I was doing with the sexual assault projects I was involved in. Surprisingly, she asked if she could come with me to the Students Stopping Rape meeting this Wednesday. She said she’d like to try it out.

Wow, was I a jerk. Here I was again falling into my own self-interests, becoming more knowledgeable and letting my frustrations push away my best friend who still needed me. Listening to her made me realize firsthand that everyone deals with the same situations differently. Of course she was ruined by all of this, but she obviously needed more time than I did to heal, and I should have respected that from the very beginning.

So rather than completely overwhelming her with information and details, I simply supported her with encouragement and picked her up Wednesday evening. It was funny because the meeting turned out to be just what Eva needed. The main topic discussed was the project that dealt with figuring out how to educate people that sexual assault is not the victim/survivor’s fault.

Eva just sat there and absorbed it all, applying this knowledge directly to her own situation: “I shouldn’t have worn that outfit? That’s crap,” Eva told me. “A female has the same freedom as a male to wear what she pleases. So why should she be objectified - let alone violated - based on what she feels good in? We were having fun - sure we were having fun, but that stopped when it was no longer mutual. I was no longer having fun and he didn’t care. He didn’t mean to? Yeah right - if he didn’t mean to, he would have respected my decision and immediately stopped when I said NO. No questions asked!”

By the end of the night she realized that it wasn’t her fault. She said no and he kept going, against her consent.

Despite her realizations and growth, she was pissed. Now it was a question of whether or not she was ready to take action and what would happen next. Would she confront her attacker? Would she report the assault? Would she press charges? Was she ready to tell her mom?

Imani Rupert and Muriel Philips are media interns for the Rape Prevention Education Program.

It Affects Me: Part 5: Awareness Eases the Pain

By Imani Rupert & Muriel Philips
[ View original Daily Nexus article ]

I haven’t talked to Eva; she hasn’t contacted me since I left the pamphlets on rape and counseling on her bed.

I’ve gone to more meetings, and I’ve started to swing by the Women’s Center to help out. I know that there is still a lot for me to learn. I mean I hadn’t even realized that I was as ignorant as I am, but even my outlook on this situation has changed. At the very least, I can help with awareness. I know there are people out there that just don’t get it. There are people that have no idea how detrimental it is to society to be ignorant on a subject like this. I know because I was one of them.

I’m so embarrassed to remember how I used to look at this same situation. I’m so mad at that guy. He treated my best friend like an object - a thing to be used. I hate him in a way that I’ve never hated anything in my life. I hate him for what he did to Eva and pity him for not knowing the difference. To me he represents everything that is wrong with the world. He is so selfish. I wonder if he even realizes that he has been the cause of so much pain … or even cares.

It’s amazing to me how much I’ve changed over the past few weeks. I look back at my journal, and I can’t believe how much I talked about the leather pants that I felt so gorgeous in. It worries me because I don’t know if I bought those pants for myself, or because I felt I had to in order to make men look at me.

This is what we talk about at these meetings. We talk about this culture of rape, where outlooks like this are dominant, and about ways to get rid of this rape culture. If I did buy these pants because I felt I needed to for men to notice me, I did contribute to rape culture.

I realize now, and have confidence, that I can wear whatever I like. I can walk around in whatever I want to feel beautiful or hot or sexy and expect not to be raped. I love the way those pants make me look, so I will wear them as I please. But that is not an invitation for anyone to do anything to me.

That guy saw my friend as an object. He used her. He saw that she was attracted to him and did what he wanted to her without caring at all about how that made her feel. Maybe he thought that he could because she was drinking or because of how she looked or what she was wearing. My best friend in the world is probably in her room questioning herself when she didn’t do anything wrong. He did.

This is really the point of these meetings. We talk about how people like Eva must feel. I don’t go for counseling - which is not even what the meetings are for. I go to help educate people - and myself. One day I hope to be able to get Eva to come too.

I want her to know that it wasn’t her fault she got raped - because I don’t think she knows that.

Imani Rupert and Muriel Philips are media interns for the Rape Prevention Education Program.

It Affects Me: Part 4: Searching for Help in All the Right Places

By Imani Rupert & Muriel Philips
[ View original Daily Nexus article ]

It’s been three days since it all happened. Eva claims that she is fine, but I have my doubts. She hasn’t been herself - she’s been really quiet. As for me, I know that I’m not fine. I know that time heals all wounds or something like that, but it feels like every day is increasingly harder.

This is so hard for me because I know that Eva was the one directly affected by this, and if she’s fine, then I should be fine too. I’m not trying to focus the attention on me, but honestly, I need to talk to someone. Seeing that Eva appeared to be content keeping to herself, I pursued my own venues and went to the Women’s Center.

I didn’t even know what the Women’s Center was. I vaguely remember a plug at Orientation, but I didn’t know what else to do. All the same, this was the only place that I knew to go, so reluctantly I discreetly made my way across the grassy knoll to the brown building. I knew that any second I was going to lose my nerve.

By the time I walked in, I had already lost it. I would look like an idiot if I just turned around, so I thought I would just look around for a bit. The place was not like I imagined it - there was a library, a couch, a computer and, well, men.

I guess I just figured it would be full of women. But it wasn’t. Instantly I realized that my stereotype of this place was just that - a stereotype. I must have been in the office for only a few seconds when the woman at the desk asked me if I needed any help. The sincerity in her voice calmed me; I knew she truly wanted to help me. I quietly and briefly discussed my situation, and she introduced me to a rape prevention advocate.

For the first time I was just able to talk. Forever. She just listened intently, like there was nowhere else she would rather be. She didn’t question me; she didn’t force her advice or stop me from crying. She just listened to me. It was such a relief.

Before, I worried that I would be turning the focus to me, but that’s not what I did at all. She reassured me that Eva wasn’t the only one affected by her assault. As her best friend, it affected me too. She also told me about a rape education meeting that night at 5 p.m. She said that if this was too much too soon, I could meet with them next Wednesday. I decided to go that night. I was sick of the helpless feeling that I had, and I really wanted to give this a chance. I went to the meeting not knowing what to expect, and I came out completely motivated. I left feeling so much more educated than I thought I was. I couldn’t wait to share my experience with Eva, but I was also nervous. I left the pamphlets the rape prevention advocate gave me on Eva’s bed, and I wasn’t sure how she would respond to them.

Imani Rupert and Muriel Philips are media interns for the Rape Prevention Education Program.